When I recently was asked to identify my sexual orientation at counseling, I identified as being FTM transgender and that I like women. However, it’s such a tough subject for me to discuss. Not because it makes me feel uncomfortable, but because the answer cannot be in one word. I guess I felt if I just said I was queer, it would not define me. I feel like it’s much more complicated than that.
For my younger years, I felt that I was a lesbian. I did everything in my power to identify with my female emotions and my female outer parts. I met a small group of lesbians when I first came out. It was an awesome experience where, for once, I felt like it was okay to like women the way I did. However, it made me feel completely out of place when I looked around and saw that I was the only one who wore men’s clothing. All the butch women still wore women’s shoes and clothing. I just knew I was slightly different.
After I watch a documentary about a transman, I was able to relate to how he felt. Ever since I was a young child, I felt that I was a man trapped in a woman’s body but I guess after all the years trying to fit in during middle and high school, I just buried that belief so far deep inside just to fit in with the rest of the world. As I approached my early adulthood and being in several serious relationships, I managed to slowly let those feelings out and realized that I was transgender.
In social events, I realized I was apart of the girls’ club almost all the time. My skill and joy of cooking left me in the kitchen with the girls. It was very rare that I would be with the boys in front of the television talking about sports, cars, or movies. However, when it came time for a cigarette, I would be apart of the boys’ club. It would be this awkward moment where I didn’t know what the hell to talk about.
So even though I can definitely identify as being a transman, does it make me less of a man for being apart of the girls’ club? For liking chick flicks? For talking about shoes and purses? I will not lie and say that I don’t struggle with it in my head at times. However, most of the time, the outcome is this: I am physically a female and it takes control over my thoughts and needs at times; and secondly, my soul, that is a guy, takes over the rest of the time. I think that’s what makes me, ME. I am FTM transgender and not a cis-man. So of course I’m going to be female at times. And it’s okay. I will not get offended that you use “she/her”.